///hear me roar///

Saturday, September 08, 2001

i haven't posted in awhile because i've been going through a lot lately. dan and i broke up a few days ago, on the fourth to be exact. yes, just two days after that last post. it came extremely unexpected because he had been holding a lot of things in instead of just letting me know. but that's not to say he's to blame. no one is, we were both part of the break up. i don't really want to go into detail about it, but basically i was depending on him for all my emotions. it was like i didn't have my own. i was only happy when he was around, i was sad when he seemed sad, etc. and when we first broke up, it killed me. i was sobbing. it was like i didn't want to go on without him.

but... i've come to realize so much in these days. i cried my last tear over dan on the fifth, just one day after the break up. but man, on the fourth and fifth i think i cried *plenty* of tears. anyway, i realize now that i was depending on him for my happiness because i wanted to. it was the easy way, he made me happy and that's all i needed. but come on, how strong and deep is a happiness that depends on only one factor? especially if that factor is as unpridictable as a human being? i have so many other things to be happy about. i've got my mom and brother, who i love to death, my friends (i love you adam and liz!!), my classes, and most importantly, myself. i now go day to day with all these happy thoughts and moments. and they're all different, and wonderful. that's not to say i don't miss dan though :)

i've also gained confidence in these realizations. i'm strong (internally :P), intelligent, ambitious, and i'm even a tad attractive :) i know that i can go on without him. it will take me awhile to fall out of love with him, but i will be fine. why did i always think i needed someone? how silly i was... i am my own person and i control my own emotions. and while i miss dan, i don't need him.

some people may have trouble believing i've really come to all this in only a few days. but i think it took losing someone i loved more than anything else to shake me into reality. liz came up with the perfect word: epiphany.

e·piph·a·ny

A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).

that's the perfect word :) so yeah, i'm not with dan anymore, but its ok. people who find out are so sympathetic ("you can cry to me!""oh my god! i'm so sorry! you'll be ok!"), and i'm very greatful to them for caring. but i'll be just fine! i don't need a man! i don't need anyone, i'm a pretty swell person on my own :P

it feels so great to feel this way about myself. i never knew what i was missing :P there's more... but i think this post is already long enough, and there are things i wanna be doing :P
Jessica 5:25 AM