///hear me roar///

my mind follows logic my heart doesn't understand
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Monday, June 14, 2004

First, about this weekend. My love flew in from L.A. to visit me for the weekend, and we had an amazing time! Unfortunately a family emergency cut his trip short by a full 24 hours (he should still be here right now...). I took him to the airport this morning, and cried as I watched him go through the security line to get on a plane that would take him far away from me and my longing arms. But the weekend was just so awesome. He makes me so damn happy. Here's something I posted in another online journal, I think it sums up our weekend pretty well:

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When was the last time you walked around a city with someone you enjoy, hand in hand, and *really* explored it? To the point that you found new things and places in a city you thought you knew?

When was the last time you found a recipe, went out and bought all of the ingredients, and worked hard to cook a good meal for someone, just because you think they're special and deserve it?

Have you ever had a spur of the moment, middle of the night, completely pitch black bubble bath with someone you care about? If not, you should try it.

When was the last time you laid in someone's arms, close, breathing them in, and just felt... safe. Relaxed. Dare I say it... at home.

Have you ever been blindfolded and tied up and had someone just pleasure you like never before, with no thought for their own pleasure? And afterwards, marvel at the fact that something so sexy and carnal... was also extremely gentle, sweet, and touching?

When was the last time you watched someone walk away from you... through the airport security line, with your body aching and your arms lonely and tears pouring down your face... yet your heart warm and smiling?
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Also, we only slept for about 30 minutes total last night. We just couldn't get enough of each other. That's where the afore mentioned bubble bath comes in. And we were just up all night, being with each other. It was so amazing :)

It's weird, part of me can't stop smiling at the thought of him, and us, and this weekend, and the things we did and the great time we had. But another part of me is just crying on the inside, because I ache for him and I already miss him way too much. God damn. I've got it baaaaaaaaad.

I'm going to be doing everything in my power to visit L.A. again sooner than I originally planned. And I'm also going to start working towards moving to L.A. I've decided that I am going to move. No more confusion or indecision. I'm moving. More on that later though, I've still got a lot to work through (obviously).


And something happened to me that was so bizarre I have to post about it. I was in the elevator this afternoon, and two guys got in with me. I pushed the 3, one of them pushed the 4, the other pushed the 5. I was looking down, because I was coming from the bus stop where my friend called me and canceled the lunch I was on my way to, to my disappointment, and because I sent off my boy this morning, so I'm a little down. So the elevator reaches the third floor, the doors open, and I walk off. I'm about halfway down the hall when I hear "Hey... hey!" I turn and it's one of the guys from the elevator. I just look at him and say "What?" I wasn't in the mood for this. So then he asks me where he can find some marijana. I'm a little offended, because do I look like I would know? I guess so. I tell him that I honestly don't know. Then he asks if I know where he can find "harder" drugs! Um, no, I tell him that I don't do any drugs. The conversation continues from there:

Him: "Oh, so you're pretty much a good girl."
Me: "Uh, yeah, I guess so."
Him: "Well where's the nearest liquor store?"
Me: "There are a lot of bars around here. But I don't know of any liquor stores."
Him: "Oh. Well, do you have any liquor in your place?"
Me: "Uh... no. I don't."
Him: "Ok." Pause. "What are you doing tonight?"
Me: "Sleeping."
Him: "Oh, you just get home from work?"
Me: "Uh, no, I uh, have to work in the morning. I'm tired."
Him: "You got a man?"
Me: "Yes, I do."
Him: "Serious?"
Me: "Yeah, it is."
Him: "How serious?"
Me: "Uh... pretty serious."
Him: "Ok." Pause. "Did those piercings in your lip hurt?!"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Yeah. So what do you do for fun around here?"
Me: "Um... hang out with friends...."
Him: "Ah. I'm just wondering because I just moved here from Hawaii, I got into some trouble over there and had to split."
Me: "Ok, well I gotta..."
Him: "Yeah I'm just waiting for my friend to come home from work, looking for something to do."
Me: "Ok, well, I'm sorry, but..."
Him: "I was hoping I could just, you know, hang out with you for awhile."
Me: "Uh. No. No."
Him: "Ok then."
Here he took my hand and limpy shook it. I pulled it away and as he turned I wiped it on my pants, totally disgusted. UGH!

Yeah, sure, I invite skeezy, drug doing, strange men running from other states into my apartment. Where I live ALONE. I mean, come ON. I was so fucking grossed out. I don't even know why in the world I put up with him as long as I did. I think it was partly because I was soooo out of it (I haven't slept in a very long time, I've been disoriented all day -- but a nap helped a bit) and partly because I was in total shock and weirded out and curious. It was just so bizarre. I also made sure he was out of sight before I went to my apartment door. The idea of him knowing exactly where I live was a little scary and intimidating.

Anyway. I'm off to nap a little more before Jeff comes over. We're gonna talk about the move to L.A. (he's moving too)! I'm excited :D

Jessica 6:48 PM

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