///hear me roar///

Wednesday, September 26, 2001

lalala ... i'm so happy lately. ever since dan and i broke up, and i came to all those realizations, and we got back together... life's been different :) its been great. and i've been getting so close to sarika, i love her! she's really been there for me. on the weekends we go out a lot; me, dan, sarika, sanjeev (sarika's brother), and lottie. i've given the frat party a chance, and i've discovered that they can be fun :) i'm usually sober, and i just dance! i always wear my big rave pants though, and when rave music comes on sarika and i are the center of attention. not that we wanna be :P but its always a good time. when you go for cool reasons, and with awesome people, it doesn't really matter where you are, its a blast. we've also gone to the club downtown a few times, and dance like crazy. they play a lot more rave type music at the club, so that's fun. so yeah, with a couple exceptions, that's mainly what i've been doing on the weekends.

then we have the weekdays. i'm working my ass off in school this semester, its great. i'm doing so well, and really staying on top of things. i actually look forward to going to class, imagine that! :P and its a really good thing, too, because next week is going to kill me...

things with dan and i couldn't be better. there were a few days when i was feeling some doubt, it felt like something was missing from the relationship. i eventually figured out what it was: dependence. i have never before been in a relationship where i didn't depend on the guy for *everything*. so now that i'm so liberated and independent, it felt weird. if this makes any sense. there was this huge part missing, but once i realized what it was, i could begin working on getting past it. sarika really helped me out, she asked one question: "do you love him?" to which my answer was "of course, more than anything". she said that that's all that matters and that things would iron themselves out as long as we love each other. so over the last day or two, i've really been getting used to the type of relationship i now find myself in. and i swear, i've never been happier, with anyone.

i've actually never been happier at any stage of my life, ever. things are so great, life is great. and even if bad times plague you, there are always good ones to remember ;)
Jessica 9:37 PM

Friday, September 21, 2001

and there you have it. reblogger is up and running once again.
Jessica 6:50 AM

hmm, i wonder why my reblogger suddenly stopped working... i need to remedy this situation.

and by the way, me and liz are the biggest dorks in the entire world. lol, and sarika too! but being dork isn't so bad when you have someone to do it with :P i love you guys :)
Jessica 6:41 AM

Thursday, September 20, 2001

wow, i haven't blogged in ages. jesus, and so much is going on/has gone on. mostly, the attacks that happened last tuesday. i swear, i haven't been affected like that in a very, very long time. i know i'll always remember that day. i got up for my 9:30 class, as usual, and got ready and showered and all that. i had a sleeping dan in my bed, b/c he had spent the night. right before going to class, someone on irc said something about a plane hitting the world trade center. i thought that was pretty crazy, but thought it was just a freak airplane accident. i remember nudging dan awake to tell him. he mumbled at me, said "it'll stand, its made for that, don't worry" and rolled over to go back to sleep. just before i left, someone said something about two planes hitting. i pretty much dismissed this and went on to class. i came back to hell. from that point on, i know i'm a changed person. i came back to see everyone talking about the terrorist attacks, and the pentagon collapsing, and various other awful rumors and truths. i woke dan up, and told him what was going on. he immediately sprang out of bed, and we went to every news site we could think of, but they were all down, they all had too much traffic. there was a rumor that a car bomb went off at the state department. where dan's dad works. his sister works in the national gallery of art. his family lives literally 3 minutes from the pentagon. they are like my own family, and i eventually ended up in tears in dan's arms. he called his family, and after much worrying and uncertainty, everyone finally made it home ok. we then went to sarika's to watch the events unfolding on cnn (i don't have a tv). the rest of the day my mind was very cloudy. it still is, in a lot of ways. i have cried a lot of tears over this, even though i don't personally know anyone directly affected. i have taken this entire thing very hard. i can't comprehend, i can't understand, i don't know what to do or where to turn. dan says its because i'm such a sensitive person, and i suppose there's a lot of truth to that. i'm starting to see my sensitivity as a curse. everyone tells me to calm down, because there's nothing i can do about it. but i can't help being upset about this whole thing, all the lives lost and families affected. i wrote a poem a couple days ago about how i feel, how people see me:


the sensitive soul is one who weeps
for those it knows not and keeps
a picture of reality harsh and real
always questioning death's next meal
the motives of evil are unknown
a mystery no matter what it's shown
it can't make right acts of spite
wanting the knot of the world to be tight
the sensitive soul is one thought weak
but is the one the strong will seek
-2001.09.20

i think i'll write more lately about what's going on in my life, but not right now.


Jessica 7:14 PM

Monday, September 10, 2001

hmm... i think i have a *lot* to write about.

this weekend was great. friday night i didn't do much of anything, got some reading done, etc. dan went out with friends to a frat party, he was the sober one, sounds like he had fun though :) then on saturday me and liz went hiking!! we went to the cascades, which is usally considered a "hike for people who don't hike". this is b/c its really easy, there are actually steps carved into the trail. pretty wussy as far as hikes go. but liz and i made it into a hike ;) it actually took us 3 hours to get to the top! we're talking a 30-45 min hike. we didn't take the trail, we went down into the stream and made our way climbing through and over rocks and boulders. we both got pretty wet, too. and we also stopped a lot to admire the scenery. it was incredible. so we finally get to the top, and its so beautiful. its the huge waterfall... i can't even describe it, its so pretty. so we lounge around there for awhile, and finally turn to go back. we went back on the trail, though, b/c it was already getting later than we had planned. we saw so many butterflies and caterpillars, and a few other really interesting things. it was an awesome hike.

so yeah, we get back and i jumo in the shower, b/c i was disgusting, and i end up going out with dan and sarika and a bunch of their friends. dan decided that he wanted me to go out with him, he said he wanted to "give me a test drive". :P he's been seeing the "new me" and i think he was intrigued. so i put on my huge ufo's (pants :P) and we all go out. dan and i got to be the designated drivers since neither of us drink. he drove the truck with the guys and i drove the truck with the girls :) so after some pre-party drinking and some interesting adventures, we make it to the frat house. let me tell you, i had a blast! i danced so much. me and dan were getting really close on the dance floor ;) so then toward the end "rave" music came on. some cool techno with an awesome beat. well... both sarika and i were wearing our raving pants (ufo's), so we started raving!! man, it was awesome :) i love that girl. we danced so long, and we actually had an audience. when we were done and went outside to cool off, i literally had steam rising off of my body. it was crazy. so yeah, all in all it was an awesome night, i never imagined i'd have so much fun at a frat party. and i actually bonded with sarika, she's such a cool person. :)

and by the end of the night... dan and i were back together. its on different terms, and things are going to be *so* different, and we're going slower and less seriously. but i could tell by the end of the night that he really wanted me back. so we're together... and so far, its been beyond good. its been wonderful.

so then on sunday i took dan out to dinner downtown. my treat! that was really nice :) then we came back here for about 30 min, then parted ways to go do homework. i had one of the best weekends i can remember. :)
Jessica 12:12 PM

Saturday, September 08, 2001

i haven't posted in awhile because i've been going through a lot lately. dan and i broke up a few days ago, on the fourth to be exact. yes, just two days after that last post. it came extremely unexpected because he had been holding a lot of things in instead of just letting me know. but that's not to say he's to blame. no one is, we were both part of the break up. i don't really want to go into detail about it, but basically i was depending on him for all my emotions. it was like i didn't have my own. i was only happy when he was around, i was sad when he seemed sad, etc. and when we first broke up, it killed me. i was sobbing. it was like i didn't want to go on without him.

but... i've come to realize so much in these days. i cried my last tear over dan on the fifth, just one day after the break up. but man, on the fourth and fifth i think i cried *plenty* of tears. anyway, i realize now that i was depending on him for my happiness because i wanted to. it was the easy way, he made me happy and that's all i needed. but come on, how strong and deep is a happiness that depends on only one factor? especially if that factor is as unpridictable as a human being? i have so many other things to be happy about. i've got my mom and brother, who i love to death, my friends (i love you adam and liz!!), my classes, and most importantly, myself. i now go day to day with all these happy thoughts and moments. and they're all different, and wonderful. that's not to say i don't miss dan though :)

i've also gained confidence in these realizations. i'm strong (internally :P), intelligent, ambitious, and i'm even a tad attractive :) i know that i can go on without him. it will take me awhile to fall out of love with him, but i will be fine. why did i always think i needed someone? how silly i was... i am my own person and i control my own emotions. and while i miss dan, i don't need him.

some people may have trouble believing i've really come to all this in only a few days. but i think it took losing someone i loved more than anything else to shake me into reality. liz came up with the perfect word: epiphany.

e·piph·a·ny

A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).

that's the perfect word :) so yeah, i'm not with dan anymore, but its ok. people who find out are so sympathetic ("you can cry to me!""oh my god! i'm so sorry! you'll be ok!"), and i'm very greatful to them for caring. but i'll be just fine! i don't need a man! i don't need anyone, i'm a pretty swell person on my own :P

it feels so great to feel this way about myself. i never knew what i was missing :P there's more... but i think this post is already long enough, and there are things i wanna be doing :P
Jessica 5:25 AM

Sunday, September 02, 2001

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*

what am i doing up?! hehe. i was up until about 3am last night. that's the latest i've stayed up in *ages*. mmmmm, last night dan and i stayed in, and enjoyed some real time together :) it was great :) and i'm pretty much completely over my sickness (finally), so..... hehehehe :) i really have no reason to post right now. i'm just bored because i'm up and everyone else is still sleeping!! my boy looks so cute when he sleeps...



Jessica 6:52 AM

Saturday, September 01, 2001

sorry i haven't posted in a few days, i've been kinda busy and really sick, bleh!!

so my first week of classes went great. i'm really excited about this semester. i like all my classes (well... excluding math, of course) and all my professors! that's definitely a plus. there's usually at least one professor that just bothers me. and i'm actually interested in all of my classes :) this is gonna be fun :)

lets see, i also started work this week. i started tuesday, worked for five hours. its a pretty cool job :) the people i work with are really nice, my boss is really slack, and the work isn't hard (of course: its office work) but it also isn't horribly boring and monotonous. although, i only worked one day this week. i was also supposed to work thursday, but i was so sick that dragging myself to zoology was all i could handle.

so yeah, i've been sick. i really really really hate being sick! (although, who doesn't??) tuesday night i had the startings of a sore throat. sure enough, wednesday morning i felt like shit, and i went to the doctor and i had tonsilitis. but i already knew that, this is my 6th? 7th? time in a year! so i got some meds, and i've been taking them, blah blah blah. but the tonsilitis (sore throat, anyway) was gone after about a day. i somehow have this awful cold on top of it. wednesday night was so awful. ugh. i thought i was going to die. bleh. however, by today i'm feeling better. my nose is still being dumb (and its all sore and red and bleh), but my head's cleared up. i dunno. i hope i get over this real soon :/

i have auditions for a play monday and tuesday. i can pick either day. so if i'm feeling better by monday, and have my prepared pieces all sorted out, i'll go monday. but i have a feeling that i'm going to be going on tuesday, to make extra sure my voice is back to normal :/ its all scratchy. the play is "the importance of being earnest" by oscar wilde. i'm so nervous! there are only 5 male parts and 4 female parts. so i have to be really good at auditions. i hope i get a part!!! wish me luck :P

nothing much else going on, but i have to go on about the best boyfriend in the world real quick :) he has been so super good to me while i've been sick!! making me eat, making me sleep, bringing me food when i couldn't move :) and he's brought me tea three times now, twice was kinda late and he was tired. and wednesday night, when i was feeling really terrible, he brought me tea, then stayed here and took such good care of me while i tossed and turned, and then didn't leave until i was peacefully sleeping :) and thursday night i ran out of tissues!! so i was using tp from the bathroom. omg, that stuff is *so* rough, it was awful. and out of no where, dan is here, with two big boxes of tissues and a little pack i can take to class!! he's such a sweetie. i love that boy :) he's way too good to me sometimes :)
Jessica 6:49 AM