///hear me roar///

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

I know I havne't updated in a long time. I'm sorry about that. But that last post is just so transparent! I mean, there are some things I'm happy about, but I was trying too hard. Things have actually gotten worse between Dan and I, and I seriously doubt we'll ever talk again. And that really sucks, but I won't bore you with all the unnecessary details here. If you're reading this, you probably already know them anyway.

I'm going on with my life. I'm going to classes, doing homework, trying to hang out with the few friends I have. But there are still those really really awful days. There's still sadness hanging over everything, even my happiest moments. I'm starting to wonder if I ever will get better... I'm starting to think I won't.
Jessica 10:30 AM

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

I'm happy about some things.

I'm happy that my friend, Betsy, drove eight hours from New York just to visit me for a couple of days. We didn't really do anything interesting, but it was nice having her around, and it was just nice to see her again.

I'm happy that I'm finally in a great living situation, with a nice roommate and an awesome room and my own bathroom.

I'm happy that I've got two of the cutest, sweetest little kittens on the face of the planet. I'm happy that they also enjoy the living situation. They're so cute and cuddly, and keep me company when I need it most.

I'm happy that I'm young, pretty, intelligent, and making the most of all those things.

There's still sadness there, of course. It's kind of a grey film over everything. But I have to learn to look at the good things in my life, and smile sometimes... :)
Jessica 7:35 AM

Friday, October 11, 2002

Wednesday night Dan flagged me down after class. We talked for a long time, it felt really great to talk to him again. It was hard not to reach out to him though, not to touch him, to kiss him. But I think I did well. I only started crying twice, and I saw the tears well up in his eyes too. We talked about everything... life in general, what we've been up to... the break-up, us... etc. I'm glad he's talking to me again. But we're not going to hang out just yet... only talking for now I guess. He's making the rules, I'm following them.

I honestly think this is stupid. I think him and I are great for each other. I think he's making one of the biggest mistakes of his life by throwing away everything he had with me, instead of trying to make it work. It pisses me off, because not only is he hurting himself, he's hurting me, too... and that's not fair. I think he'll regret this...

My kitties are back with me. Although I wouldn't really know it because they aren't paying any attention to me. Oh well, that's cats for ya. I'm glad they're back here with me though.

I'm spending my Friday night at home, alone. And I'm not even doing anything productive. I need to start studying for Monday's OChem test, I need to finish unpacking... yet here I sit. Alone. Bored. Sad.


Jessica 6:36 PM

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

I've been getting better. Slowly but surely. I think more slowly than surely, but at least it's something. I've come to some conclusions in the last week and a half. One is that I'll never get over Dan. Even if I go on, find someone else to love, have children, etc etc... I'll always love Dan, he'll always have a place in my heart, in my soul. I hope, but don't think, it's the same for him.

As for regular life, things have been going pretty well. Sunday during the day I went to Aparna's... we watched a movie and ate some Gumby's Pizza. We watched "Death to Smoochy"... I had never even heard of it, and it was really freakin strange, hehe. But it gave me a few laughs, and that's all I was after :) That evening, I hung out with Sandra and some of her friends and ate homemade veggie lasagna. That was very yummy :) And talked a ton about Johen Vasquez and his comics, mainly "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac"... it was great, but it made me upset because Dan introduced me to Johen and his work... and Dan loves him, so I couldn't help thinking about that boy. *sigh*

Monday night I invited Jeff to my place and I cooked dinner! I made something called "Taco Pie", it's kinda like a caserole of sorts. It was really yummy. So me, him, and my roommate, Anita, all ate and watched "American Beauty". Then we went to Books-A-Million ... it was a fun night...

Right now my kittens are over at Aparna and Krissy's... The Foxridge people are doing inspections in our building sometime during the 9th - 11th, and we're not supposed to have so many cats. I miss them like crazy though, ugh... Especially at night, when they usually are on my bed and curl up with me :-/ I just keep telling myself, it's only a couple of days...

I miss Dan. I miss him a lot. And my overwhelming grief and anger have turned into frustration. I'm frustrated that he can't be my friend. Actually, I guess some of that anger is still there. He's always said we'd remain friends, but the more time that goes by, and the happier his away messages seem (yes, I'm guilty of this, and I don't care), the more I think that he'll realize how much happier he is without me and just never contact me. The thought of losing him forever is awful. We get along so well on so many different levels -- We know so much about each other, probably more than anyone else -- We've shared so many happy moments together in the last 1.5 years -- Does it make any sense to throw all that away and not be friends??


P.S. -- I'm going through a lot!!! If you read this, POST SOMETHING! Anything!!
Jessica 10:57 AM

Saturday, October 05, 2002

Well, I did good today as far as keeping distracted. This break-up is giving me a great chance to spend time with some friends. I had lunch at El Rodeo with Jeff, he paid. That was nice, we discussed his girlfriend most of the time though, and relationships are not my strong point in conversations right now! That's OK, I can't hold it against him that he's happy.

Then I went to dinner with someone I had never met in person before, just online. He was the single most boring person I've ever met. We went to BW3, and there were lots of loud TVs, which was great b/c we didn't have to talk much. After eating he wanted to hang out some more, but I told him I had obligations and got outta there, hehe.

This evening I went and saw "Red Dragon" with Wes and Aaron, two guys I haven't hung out with in a really long time. I was looking forward to seeing this movie with Dan, so I was a little reluctant at first. But it was a really awesome movie (Anthony Hopkins is sooooo creepy), and I enjoyed the company I was in. After the movie we went to IHOP and I ran into Travis. He was extremely shocked to hear about Dan and I. We agreed that we have to hang out more :) I ate a little, and we talked for awhile. I had a lot of fun, even though sadness was hanging over my head.

All in all it was a great day, I also got some stuff done around the house (need to finish up that laundry)... However, I was definitely sad all day long. It wasn't that all consuming awful crying sadness... but I was just sad. I miss Dan. I hope he figures out what he wants and what he needs to do, and contacts me soonish. I'd hate to lose him forever as a friend. Wes told me tonight that if he says he'll contact me when he's ready, it means he never will. But Dan's sincere, and we had something great... So I think it'll all be OK in the end...


Jessica 10:40 PM

OK so I couldn't stay away. Sue me.

But now that everyone thinks I'm done blogging, I'm sure to not get any traffic, heh. And I don't know why all of my posts after the last one are a shade lighter and whatnot. It happened after adding the new commenting system, and I can't find the error. Oh well.

Things here are hard. As I'm sure everyone who reads this knows, Dan dumped me. Yes, yes, it was a shock to everyone. "You two seemed so happy together!", "I thought you guys would be together forever!", "But you two are so perfect together!", yadda yadda yadda. I thought all of these things too. However, he apparently did not. And this time the break up is for good. No getting back together this time. Hell, he won't even talk to me. *sigh*

I'm entering into that pissed stage. Pissed that he could throw this away (the contact in general, not the relationship), pissed that he can pretend I don't exist. I don't want to be mad at him. He never did a thing wrong to me. And I love that boy more than anything else, I'm completely in love with him. But I've still got those creeping feelings of anger. Everyone says they're natural after a break up. But I'm bigger than that, and I really don't want to be angry.

I want to be friends with him. Damnit, just casual "How was your day?" friends. I can't even have that. It's all out of my hands and he's in complete control. And I don't like that either.

What really sucks is that I haven't only lost him. I've lost a family. I love that boy's family to death. All of them... I've gone on vacations with them, they made my 20th birthday bearable, they included me in family Christmas, even took me to see Lion King on broadway. His parents feel like second parents, his sisters feel like the sisters I never had. And just like that, they're gone. I fucking miss them almost as much as I miss him.

I'll stop here, before I ramble on and say more than I care for people to know. I probably already have.

Final note: I miss him. Not in an intimate sense. I miss just being in his company. He's truely a great guy, and I'm missing out on that. And here come those creeping anger feelings again...
Jessica 8:49 AM