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my mind follows logic my heart doesn't understand
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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Wow... once again I haven't been here in ages. I should probably make a new one... but I like this one because of the past it captures. Maybe I'll make a new one anyway, and just keep this one around for posterity sake. I think I'll do that. My life is now completely different than anything in this blog anyway. Yeah.

So if you wanna know the address to my new, improved, awesome blog, contact me. If you don't know how to contact me, too bad for you!
Jessica 4:46 AM

Monday, August 30, 2004

Meh... Nevermind.

A better update will come soon, I promise.

Jessica 2:44 AM

Sunday, July 04, 2004

So. Tired.

Having two jobs takes its toll, for sure. And I have to work tonight... my favorite holiday (only because I adore fireworks). Oh well, I need the money really badly. I'm starting to wonder if I'll have enough to move to L.A. when I want to. Hopefully it'll all work out in the end.

On Friday my good friend Heather had her going away party, she moved to Florida. We went to the beach and had a BBQ, then we all hung out at a friends place, drinking and watching movies, and then a smaller group of us all went to IHOP. I got to bed at 6am!! I was so exhausted, I had been up for 24 hours. But I had a blast. :) It was really nice to hang out with so many people I adore, and to give a nice goodbye party for Heather.

Yesterday I went out with Jason and saw "Control Room". It was very good. For me, it was extremely enlightening. There was a lot in the movie that I had no idea had been going on. For those of you who would be at all interested in the media's coverage on the war in Iraq, go see it.

So after the movie I came home, relaxed, talked to Scott for awhile, and then went to work. I got home this morning at 3:30am, and now I've been awake for two hours! I have no idea why I woke up, and no idea why I didn't go back to sleep. But I think now I will walk away from this computer, and take a nap to rest up for working late again tonight.


Jessica 12:29 PM

Monday, June 28, 2004

I suppose it's time for another update, but there's not a whole lot going on really. I've been working two jobs, so now I'm totally dead, and I don't think I can keep it up. Meh, I need the money so that I can move. If things go well, I'll be moving around August 1st. So I hope things go well, because I'm anxious to move to LA.

Scott and I are doing really well now. But I miss him like mad. And we're both so incredibly busy that we don't have time to constantly talk. But it's going well. I decided I needed to stop looking for something serious, especially since we're long distance and haven't been together long. I'm much happier and more comfortable with the casual, laid back way things are now. He makes me smile, and that's that. :)

What else? Not much. I've been really wanting to spend time with my friends lately, since I'm moving soonish. But it's proving difficult with working and sleeping and all that.

On today's agenda: time for myself, and time for cleaning this apartment. Wee!

Jessica 11:28 AM

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Life... ugh. Emotions, thought, feelings, it's all so complicated. It seems especially so for me, and especially lately. But I think I'm getting better at being me and taking a look at and into myself, and coming to conclusions. We'll see where I end up.

I move to L.A. in less than two months. It's so scary and exciting at the same time. Man. I'm moving there with a good friend of mine, Jeff. And that's really the only reason I'm going when I'm going. It's good to have someone to split costs with (moving costs and apartment costs). It's also very good to live in a new city with someone you already know and trust. So yeah, August 1st is our preferred move in date. That's so fucking soon, and it's so fucking scary. And I can't wait!!

It will also be nice to be near Scott, in the same city. Right now we're experiencing some severe bumps in the relationship road. He's withdrawn from "us" quite a bit, and I'm working on proving to him that it's ok to come back. I think we're making steps in the right direction, but it's hard to tell. He's hard to read sometimes. I think living in the same city will be so much better for us. Obviously. We can actually give this relationship room and time to grow. I look forward to seeing where it will go.

This weekend has been very low key. But it's been good. It's given me time to really talk to and spend time with a couple of people I really love. Sometimes that's so much better than getting drunk in a bar with a big group, ya know? It's also given me a LOT of time to relax, take it easy, and have some introspection. Which has been nice, and (I think) very helpful.

My life is a roller coaster. Scary, up and down, exhilerating, exciting, and unpredictable. You just never quite know where you're going or where you'll end up. Welcome to my life.

Jessica 8:33 PM

Monday, June 14, 2004

First, about this weekend. My love flew in from L.A. to visit me for the weekend, and we had an amazing time! Unfortunately a family emergency cut his trip short by a full 24 hours (he should still be here right now...). I took him to the airport this morning, and cried as I watched him go through the security line to get on a plane that would take him far away from me and my longing arms. But the weekend was just so awesome. He makes me so damn happy. Here's something I posted in another online journal, I think it sums up our weekend pretty well:

When was the last time you walked around a city with someone you enjoy, hand in hand, and *really* explored it? To the point that you found new things and places in a city you thought you knew?

When was the last time you found a recipe, went out and bought all of the ingredients, and worked hard to cook a good meal for someone, just because you think they're special and deserve it?

Have you ever had a spur of the moment, middle of the night, completely pitch black bubble bath with someone you care about? If not, you should try it.

When was the last time you laid in someone's arms, close, breathing them in, and just felt... safe. Relaxed. Dare I say it... at home.

Have you ever been blindfolded and tied up and had someone just pleasure you like never before, with no thought for their own pleasure? And afterwards, marvel at the fact that something so sexy and carnal... was also extremely gentle, sweet, and touching?

When was the last time you watched someone walk away from you... through the airport security line, with your body aching and your arms lonely and tears pouring down your face... yet your heart warm and smiling?

Also, we only slept for about 30 minutes total last night. We just couldn't get enough of each other. That's where the afore mentioned bubble bath comes in. And we were just up all night, being with each other. It was so amazing :)

It's weird, part of me can't stop smiling at the thought of him, and us, and this weekend, and the things we did and the great time we had. But another part of me is just crying on the inside, because I ache for him and I already miss him way too much. God damn. I've got it baaaaaaaaad.

I'm going to be doing everything in my power to visit L.A. again sooner than I originally planned. And I'm also going to start working towards moving to L.A. I've decided that I am going to move. No more confusion or indecision. I'm moving. More on that later though, I've still got a lot to work through (obviously).

And something happened to me that was so bizarre I have to post about it. I was in the elevator this afternoon, and two guys got in with me. I pushed the 3, one of them pushed the 4, the other pushed the 5. I was looking down, because I was coming from the bus stop where my friend called me and canceled the lunch I was on my way to, to my disappointment, and because I sent off my boy this morning, so I'm a little down. So the elevator reaches the third floor, the doors open, and I walk off. I'm about halfway down the hall when I hear "Hey... hey!" I turn and it's one of the guys from the elevator. I just look at him and say "What?" I wasn't in the mood for this. So then he asks me where he can find some marijana. I'm a little offended, because do I look like I would know? I guess so. I tell him that I honestly don't know. Then he asks if I know where he can find "harder" drugs! Um, no, I tell him that I don't do any drugs. The conversation continues from there:

Him: "Oh, so you're pretty much a good girl."
Me: "Uh, yeah, I guess so."
Him: "Well where's the nearest liquor store?"
Me: "There are a lot of bars around here. But I don't know of any liquor stores."
Him: "Oh. Well, do you have any liquor in your place?"
Me: "Uh... no. I don't."
Him: "Ok." Pause. "What are you doing tonight?"
Me: "Sleeping."
Him: "Oh, you just get home from work?"
Me: "Uh, no, I uh, have to work in the morning. I'm tired."
Him: "You got a man?"
Me: "Yes, I do."
Him: "Serious?"
Me: "Yeah, it is."
Him: "How serious?"
Me: "Uh... pretty serious."
Him: "Ok." Pause. "Did those piercings in your lip hurt?!"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Yeah. So what do you do for fun around here?"
Me: "Um... hang out with friends...."
Him: "Ah. I'm just wondering because I just moved here from Hawaii, I got into some trouble over there and had to split."
Me: "Ok, well I gotta..."
Him: "Yeah I'm just waiting for my friend to come home from work, looking for something to do."
Me: "Ok, well, I'm sorry, but..."
Him: "I was hoping I could just, you know, hang out with you for awhile."
Me: "Uh. No. No."
Him: "Ok then."
Here he took my hand and limpy shook it. I pulled it away and as he turned I wiped it on my pants, totally disgusted. UGH!

Yeah, sure, I invite skeezy, drug doing, strange men running from other states into my apartment. Where I live ALONE. I mean, come ON. I was so fucking grossed out. I don't even know why in the world I put up with him as long as I did. I think it was partly because I was soooo out of it (I haven't slept in a very long time, I've been disoriented all day -- but a nap helped a bit) and partly because I was in total shock and weirded out and curious. It was just so bizarre. I also made sure he was out of sight before I went to my apartment door. The idea of him knowing exactly where I live was a little scary and intimidating.

Anyway. I'm off to nap a little more before Jeff comes over. We're gonna talk about the move to L.A. (he's moving too)! I'm excited :D

Jessica 6:48 PM

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Well, I guess I was right. By the lack of people commenting on my last journal, I assume it's safe to say that no one reads this anymore. Maybe I should give the URL to some friends? Wait, I did that. Eh, oh well. I still have this place to rant and rave and chronicle my life, even if only for myself.

Good news today though: I got a job! I interviewed at a place over a week ago, and got called in yesterday for a second interview. It seemed to go really well, but they said that they would get back to me and let me know sometime this week. Well I got the call this morning, that they want to offer me a position! So of course I said yes :) It's such a fucking relief, man. It's just customer support, answering the phones and taking orders, those kind of things. I'm not getting paid all that much, but money is money! And it's Monday through Friday, 8am - 5pm, which is perfect! I start tomorrow, and I'm so excited. I'm also a little nervous, of course, going into a new job with new people and new things to learn. But I can't wait to be working again. Not only so that I will have money and be able to do things, but also because sitting around at home all day, every day was getting really old. So YAY FOR WORK!!

There's not much to update other than that, that's kind of the big news of the week :)

Jessica 2:28 PM

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